This week was rough – I’ve grown so used to my son preparing his own meals I seem to have forgotten he has challenges, brought on by his disabilities. What brought it home, in frightening clarity, was his failure at cooking a meal he’s been cooking for over a year – and more troubling – my reaction to it. I lost my temper, as if he was deliberately trying to screw up. I thought I had put this behind me, having been a demon I let guide me while Active Duty and only confronting after my wife’s illness and subsequent death.
I think most people can relate to this feeling, not necessarily because they have a child or family member with disabilities; but because I believe we all have things we are trying to improve or grow, and when we get angry at ourselves for “allowing” ourselves to slip. I don’t think we should just shrug and say “oh well”, but there has got to be a more constructive emotion than anger. Understand where the anger comes from, what is the root cause; and harness the energy to improve yourself.
For me, the root cause is my need for independence – not having anyone else dependent upon me, for anything. As much as I would like to believe otherwise, and will work towards; given how things are now my son will never live completely independently. I’m not willing to shift his care to an organization, although I will hire staff to assist after he leaves High School.
The difference, to me, is controlling who works with him. He’s incredibly capable, I’m both blown away and proud of how much he CAN do – and I feel like there is more just waiting to be expressed. My opinion (and it’s just that, I have no proof or facts) of organizations are they will do the best they can, but at the end of the day they are serving the masses and one individual could be lost. I don’t want that individual to be my son.
All of these thoughts and feelings create the stress that expresses itself in a loss of temper when my son seemingly loses ground. Seemingly, because I think it’s an unfair characterization. There are things I have done in the past I more than likely cannot do error-free anymore; yet I don’t want people losing their temper with me. All of us, in my opinion, have times when we lose ground. Maybe we’re trying to get healthy, out of debt or just want to be a better person; and we slip. Maybe we have a cigarette, splurge on something we don’t “need” or lose temper with our son.
The trick is not giving up. Accept we’re human, and mistakes will happen. Identify what caused the mistake – was it a decision/reaction or was it something really out of our control. In my experience there are few things truly out of our control, because we react – and we can condition ourselves and our reactions; through careful monitoring and honest self-assessment. I’m not suggesting we beat ourselves up (figuratively or literally); but I am a firm believer in truth – having made more than my share of mistakes when I was younger. It takes practice, and practice takes time. Celebrate your wins, focus on how you earned them – so when there is a slip/backslide you will know which behavior(s) can get you back on track.